By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
