bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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