at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
