its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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