My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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