made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
