Screwed.edu
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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