Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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