i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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