hell yes lets make some ravioli
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
