I wish I could teleport
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
