My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
