and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
