I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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