yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
