Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize