I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
