I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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