Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize