My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
