dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
