I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
