Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
