I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Randomize
