Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
