a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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