i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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