My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
