You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Randomize
