walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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