Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
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