Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
