sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
