Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
