respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Randomize
