I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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