Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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