i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
