One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
