so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
