You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
