Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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