i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
