Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
