i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize