I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
