Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
