Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
My vagina just recognized that song.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
