Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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