I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize