I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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