Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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