please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
