so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
