Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Randomize
