i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Someone stole a lamp last night.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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