I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
