If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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