btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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