I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
