I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
