Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
