If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
