today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I will pee on everything he values.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
