**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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