Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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