Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
